There's a Joke in There

Not sure what this sign is warning about I'm currently house sitting for a friend in Studio City (Los Angeles). It's a lovely apartment with a small, friendly community and recently, I ran into one of the neighbours, Mel*. She was interested to know what I was doing in town and I explained that I had recently arrived from Australia and had yet to find employment. "I run my own business," Mel had informed me. "We're looking for some help. Are you interested in part time work?" "Yes, absolutely." "Well, why don't you drop by tomorrow? It's at the Craftsman Lodge* down the road. Do you know it?" "I think I've bicycled past it a few times." (Yup, that's how I roll. Pun intended.) "I'm usually there from seven to ten. Stop in and we'll talk." "Great, I will. Thanks!" I had no idea what the job was, but I was excited at the opportunity to discuss some potential sideline work...

 The study of personal space is called Proxemics. That's right, it's science. The personal space bubble. I thought this concept was universally understood. I assumed that everyone was born knowing that there is a requisite amount of distance that must always be kept between yourself and another person. (Unless of course, you are doing activities where extreme closeness is essential. Such as delivering a baby, tandem skydiving, being the middle person in a threesome, huddling together in a bathtub to escape a fire, being carried out in rescue from a fire, sharing a joint that will later cause a fire, doing the tango, keeping a human warm during a snow storm because you're a werewolf with an elevated body temperature, getting/giving a lap dance, sharing a small prison cell etc.) Yet I find my naive hopes repeatedly dashed. Not only by those who continue to wear their hair in a mullet despite this being the internationally recognized symbol for 'Fail', bu...

My roommates have decided to go on a 7 day juice diet. Apparently, this diet involves 7 days of consuming juice only. Nothing else. No food between drinking, no snacks between juicing. Just a blend of fruit and veggies at every meal. The promised reward: lose 7 pounds in 7 days. While they do this, I will continue living my life as normal; eating toast, 2 minute noodles, pasta, breakfast cereal for dinner etc. (I sometimes refer to this as the Low-Income Diet.) Unfortunately, their juice diet and my continuing to live my life will be occurring in the same space. I fear that as their aggression increases, due to hunger and super liquefied bowel movements, they will begin to resent me as I dig into a bowl of plain rice, looking full and relaxed while enjoying an episode of The Big Bang Theory. (Just kidding - I would never enjoy an episode of The Big Bang Theory). So what to do? How to prevent this tension from building up in our happy home? 'Maybe I should join them ...

"…okay…so...on the 12th hour of the 17th day of every 3rd month, I'm allowed to park here...but only for 30 minutes and…yup…only if all of the planets in the solar system are aligned...otherwise, I'll be towed. Got it." It's no longer enough to simply find an available parking space in LA. You must also be able to interpret the parking rules related to that space, which are written across a cluster of signs, each of which contains instructions that override or contradict the sign beside/above/behind it. Additionally, your interpretation must be done at warp speed because you're in a moving vehicle and there are 115 impatient commuters behind you, all of whom need to get to an audition for a new reality TV show/ a shoot for a reality TV show/ an urgent meeting at Starbucks about a new reality TV show. Such are the challenges that must be overcome if you want to get a parking spot close to the vegan brunch place you want to be seen appearing to eat at....