The 'It's Not Okay' List

Hey guys! Did everyone see I'm 'in a relationship'?  I liked it, commented on 
it & tagged all of you to make sure it came up in your newsfeeds.

Ever see someone doing something unacceptably ridiculous (like wearing Crocs) and wish that you could tell them that it's not okay to continue living in this way? 

Selfishly, you want them to stop because their behaviour offends you and makes your train ride to work more depressing than it needs to be. But you have an altruistic side too, and it's guiding you to step up and explain that those plastic shoes are part of the reason that 50 facebook friends has been such an impossible target to reach. 

For the good of mankind, I've gone ahead and put together a starting-point list of these unacceptable, modern day social faux pas. If you're doing anything on the list, you need to cease and desist immediately. Do it for yourself. But mostly, do it for the rest of us. 

It's Not Okay To...

Like your own Facebook status/photo.  
Of course you like it, you posted it. Stop being a douchebag. 

Have your photo on your resume or cover letter. 

Why would you do this? Are you auditioning for the role of 'Employee'? The words outlining your experience will suffice.

(*Exception: If you're an actor who is, in fact, auditioning for the role of 'Employee'.)

Overshare with an acquaintance. 

This has become far too easy since the invention of social media. While I admit that I do enjoy being on the receiving end of TMI, you should know that you seem cray cray when you do this. When I saw your post about your new job and asked where you're working these days, I wasn't expecting to come away knowing that you reached rock bottom 2 years ago and spent 3 months as an underground phone sex worker. Although, again, I enjoyed watching you go back there in your mind. Me and the 250 FB friends who could also read it on your wall.

Take a selfie in the bathroom mirror, thereby revealing that you're taking a selfie in the bathroom mirror.

I'm against selfies as a general rule, but I know too many people who do this to be able to slam the practice entirely. But if you're going to take a photo of yourself staring at yourself, why involve a bathroom mirror? In fact, why involve the bathroom at all? It's the least sexy room in the house.

Still seems like a regular LA summer to me. 

Say you don't 'believe in' Global Warming. 

It's not a fairy tale or a religion, it's a scientific theory. You can disagree with it, Professor, but you cannot not 'believe in' it. If you won't stop saying this, the rest of us will start saying that we disagree with Santa, whom you no doubt do believe in. 

Reassure someone with a metaphorical old saying e.g. There are plenty of fish in the sea

No. I live nowhere near the sea. Also, I'm a very poor swimmer. 
This rule also extends to the use of any cliche that requires an elaborate explanation before it's wisdom can be understood. eg. Don't rob Peter to pay Paul. Who the is Peter? Why am I robbing people now?

Be a mentally and physically capable adult who is unemployed and still lives at home with the parents. 

You have two choices: Get a job or marry someone with a job. 

Wear socks and sandals. 

Elaboration unnecessary. And for the record, this was never okay, at any point in the history of humankind. 

Oppose gay marriage. 

Feels good to spend some quality time together

Seriously, if you are still putting energy into this you need hobbies. I recommend Yogalates (I have no idea what that is) or Knitercise (I made that up).

Text/ Facebook/ Tweet/ Instagram/ Look down at your phone while having a face-to-face interaction with someone. 

(*Exception: if the person you're talking to is really boring.) 

Say you didn't find Anchorman funny. 

What are you? Dead inside?

This list is, obviously, just the tip of the iceberg.