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Showing posts from March, 2013

Likes Vs How Funny You Thought Your Post Was

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Personal Space: How Close Is Too Close?

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The personal space bubble. I thought this concept was universally understood. I assumed that everyone was born knowing that there is a requisite amount of distance that must always be kept between yourself and another person.

(Unless of course, you are doing activities where extreme closeness is essential. Such as delivering a baby, tandem skydiving, being the middle person in a threesome, huddling together in a bathtub to escape a fire, being carried out in rescue from a fire, sharing a joint that will later cause a fire, doing the tango, keeping a human warm during a snow storm because you're a werewolf with an elevated body temperature, getting/giving a lap dance, sharing a small prison cell etc.)

Yet I find my naive hopes repeatedly dashed. Not only by those who continue to wear their hair in a mullet despite this being the internationally recognized symbol for 'Fail', but also by the many people whose attitude toward personal space is the same as your grandparents attit…

Why Am I Still Single?

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Someone recently asked me, 'Why are you still single?'

In my experience, there are really two versions of this question. Each with opposite implications for both you and your self esteem.

The first version, 'Why are you still single?', is phrased in a way that suggests that being single is a choice that you've made and the enquirer simply wants to know the modern, independent reasons behind your decision. Do not be fooled.
This is really just a nice way of asking 'What the hell is wrong with you that you are still alone? I know there's got to be something and I'm not seeing it right away, so just tell me.'

The second version of this question, 'How are you still single?', should come across as a compliment because that's exactly what it is. It implies, 'How is it that someone as awesome, shockingly attractive, NASA-level intelligent and EddieMurphy-in-the-80s hilarious as yourself, has not been snapped up already?' (or some varia…

Don't Imitate Fictional People

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'Ukrainian Killer Dolphins on the Loose' is an actual news headline today!

Apparently, three killer, navy dolphins have swum away from their Ukrainian trainers and out into the ocean in search of a mate. According to the news report, the dolphins have been trained to attack using special knives or guns attached to their heads. (Source -news.ninemsn.com.au)

I do not know if this story is legit or not, but as a general rule, perhaps we should all agree never to get our military strategies from Dr. Evil or anyone else who is not a real person.




The Juice Diet

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My roommates have decided to go on a 7 day juice diet. Apparently, this diet involves 7 days of consuming juice only. Nothing else. No food between drinking, no snacks between juicing. Just a blend of fruit and veggies at every meal. The promised reward: lose 7 pounds in 7 days.

While they do this, I will continue living my life as normal; eating toast, 2 minute noodles, pasta, breakfast cereal for dinner etc. (I sometimes refer to this as the Low-Income Diet.)

Unfortunately, their juice diet and my continuing to live my life will be occurring in the same space. I fear that as their aggression increases, due to hunger and super liquefied bowel movements, they will begin to resent me as I dig into a bowl of plain rice, looking full and relaxed while enjoying an episode of The Big Bang Theory. (Just kidding - I would never enjoy an episode of The Big Bang Theory).

So what to do? How to prevent this tension from building up in our happy home?

'Maybe I should join them on the juice d…

The 'It's Not Okay' List

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Ever see someone doing something unacceptably ridiculous (like wearing Crocs) and wish that you could tell them that it's not okay to continue living in this way? 

Selfishly, you want them to stop because their behaviour offends you and makes your train ride to work more depressing than it needs to be. But you have an altruistic side too, and it's guiding you to step up and explain that those plastic shoes are part of the reason that 50 facebook friends has been such an impossible target to reach. 

For the good of mankind, I've gone ahead and put together a starting-point list of these unacceptable, modern day social faux pas. If you're doing anything on the list, you need to cease and desist immediately. Do it for yourself. But mostly, do it for the rest of us. 

It's Not Okay To...

Like your own Facebook status/photo.
Of course you like it, you posted it. Stop being a douchebag. 

Have your photo on your resume or cover letter
Why would you do this? Are you auditioning…