Why Am I Still Single?

I know true love when I see it. And this is it. 
Someone recently asked me, 'Why are you still single?'

In my experience, there are really two versions of this question. Each with opposite implications for both you and your self esteem.

The first version, 'Why are you still single?', is phrased in a way that suggests that being single is a choice that you've made and the enquirer simply wants to know the modern, independent reasons behind your decision. Do not be fooled.
This is really just a nice way of asking 'What the hell is wrong with you that you are still alone? I know there's got to be something and I'm not seeing it right away, so just tell me.'

The second version of this question, 'How are you still single?', should come across as a compliment because that's exactly what it is. It implies, 'How is it that someone as awesome, shockingly attractive, NASA-level intelligent and EddieMurphy-in-the-80s hilarious as yourself, has not been snapped up already?' (or some variant of that sentence that includes your similarly good qualities.)

As mentioned above, I was the recipient of the Why version of the question. As clarified slightly below that, this is the shite version of the question.

Never one to take a thinly veiled insult lying down (I'm usually seated when people insult me), I did what any scientology-level intelligent person would do; I became overly defensive because deep-down I knew that the spaceship might never come to pick me up.

"Why am I still single?" I responded. "For the same reason your girlfriend is still dating you. Neither of us has met anyone even vaguely interesting, mildly attractive, high school-level intelligent and EddieMurphy-in-the-2000s hilarious yet."

Now BTFO.

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