The Juice Diet
While they do this, I will continue living my life as normal; eating toast, 2 minute noodles, pasta, breakfast cereal for dinner etc. (I sometimes refer to this as the Low-Income Diet.)
Unfortunately, their juice diet and my continuing to live my life will be occurring in the same space. I fear that as their aggression increases, due to hunger and super liquefied bowel movements, they will begin to resent me as I dig into a bowl of plain rice, looking full and relaxed while enjoying an episode of The Big Bang Theory. (Just kidding - I would never enjoy an episode of The Big Bang Theory).
So what to do? How to prevent this tension from building up in our happy home?
'Maybe I should join them on the juice diet?' I asked myself. And then I laughed and laughed at that joke. No, I need a realistic solution.
I figure that it's the sight of food that will most enrage them. Perhaps I should simply adjust my meal times to Old-Age-Home hours; breakfast at 5am, lunch at 10:30am and dinner at 3:30pm. This way, my roommates will never actually see me eating since they'll be either sleeping or working at those times. And if I throw in a few glasses of orange juice when they're around, it might be enough to make them feel like we're all in it together.
Could this be the perfect plan? Of course not. It's a mediocre plan at best.
UPDATE: JUICE DIET DAY 1
7:38pm: I'm starved. Ate dinner 4 hours ago. No wonder old people go to bed so early. It's to get to breakfast sooner.
UPDATE: JUICE DIET DAY 2
8pm: I wandered into the kitchen just as my roommates were finishing up with the blending of their green juice dinner. I had already eaten - I defrosted a Trader Joe's pizza at about 3:30pm (per the previously outlined plan).
"Do you want to try some?" Jen asked me, referring to the apple, cucumber, avocado, lime, garlic, ginger and lemon concoction she was whipping up.
"Sure," I said, wanting to be supportive, but also because I was thirsty.
"Should I put some of this in?" she asked Emma, holding up a bottle of brown powder, with a name I couldn't pronounce, and half tipping it into the blender.
"Yeah, I bought it to go in," Emma replied.
"What's it do?"
"Don't really know. I think it's to help with digestion."
"But does the recipe in the book call for it?"
"So should we still put it in?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Hold up, hold up," I interrupted, knowing I'd already committed to drinking this stuff. "If the book doesn't say to use it, maybe we don't put it in."
Thoughtful pauses all around.
"Let's just put it in," they decide.
"Wait," I try again. "I don't know that we should deviate from the book. I mean, who are we to question the genius behind the juice diet plan?"
"What's that smell? Is it melted cheese?"
"I smell it too. Is that...did you make pizza in here earlier?"
Dear god. Their carbohydrate-starved cells are heightening their sense of smell. 5 days to go.
UPDATE: JUICE DIET DAY 3
They cracked. Starved and delirious, my roommates went out and ate sushi last night. I promised that I would speak of their transgression to no-one.
UPDATE: JUICE DIET DAY 6
I was informed today that the juice diet doesn't end after 7 days. It will go on, in a reduced capacity, for another 10 days. During that stage, my roommates will continue to drink juice for breakfast and lunch, but will be allowed a light meal at dinner.
Even from the other room, where I'm eating a piece of cheesecake, I can see that my roomies look weak and depressed. On the plus side, they do look skinnier. But in a gaunt, poverty stricken kind of way. And not in the glamorous catwalk, anorexic kind of way I assume they are striving toward.
UPDATE: JUICE DIET DAY 8
Turns out, juice diets actually make you constipated, as opposed to giving you diarrhea as I'd mistakenly thought. These are the kind of things we talk about around here now.
Also, no matter what anyone tells you, do not try to bake an unpeeled avocado.
UPDATE: JUICE DIET DAY 11
Juice diet abandoned at last. Yes, my roommates were getting thinner, but they were also getting angrier, hungrier and more unhappy by the day.
And let's be realistic - no matter how skinny you are, if you're an asshole you'll probably still remain single.