There's a Joke in There

They say all good things must come to an end*, and last week, just as the summer weather was making a final retreat, my time living and working in the seaside town  of Seward on Alaska's Kenai Peninsula did exactly that - it became a good thing that ended.  (*I'm unclear on the profundity of this saying though, because bad and mediocre things must also come to an end. Literally everything ends.) As I waited reluctantly at the Anchorage airport to board my red-eye flight to Los Angeles, I reflected upon my  initial expectations  for this adventure. Back in June, I felt confident that I was going to spend my weekends solo traveling throughout Alaska and that I would write every day and laugh smugly at small-town living. I wondered if I would cope earning minimum wage. I was terrified that I'd be sleeping in a bunk bed in dingy employee housing, sharing with 8 other, weird people. I worried that I hadn't packed enough warm clothes. In hindsig...

Part of my job up here in Seward, Alaska, involves entering the feedback we receive from hundreds of comment cards that are returned to us by passengers after they have taken our boat tours. These are some of their least feasible suggestions.  Comment Card August 29th, 2013 Herman W, Germany What can we do to improve the tour? Cruise closer to mountains. Would help it be more dramatic and inspiring Dear Herman, It sure would! Especially if the boat hit the rocks and sank. Then you could mentally compose an inspiring poem while waiting for the coast guard to arrive and save whoever hadn't yet drowned. Good times! We thank you for your feedback.

Part of my job up here in Seward, Alaska, involves entering the feedback we receive from hundreds of comment cards that are returned to us by passengers after they have taken our boat tours. These are some of their least feasible suggestions.  Comment Card August 17th, 2013 Anonymous What can we do to improve the tour? The last hour of the tour seemed  unnecessary  Dear Anonymous, I beg to differ. The last hour of the tour returned you from the open waters of the Gulf of Alaska back onto land. Looking at it another way - that hour saved you from an almost certain, eventual death (due to starvation, drowning and/or hypothermia). We thank you for your feedback.

A few nights ago, I had my first encounter with the Alaskan police. Anyone who knows me must surely be thinking, 'well, this was inevitable'. Indeed. The evening had begun as it usually does here in Seward - with zero planning. A rumour began to surface about a bonfire that might be occurring somewhere at some point. For unknown reasons, no-one ever wants to commit to a bonfire too early in the day. All alternate options for night time activities must first be exhausted. Thus, late in the evening, after no better plan had revealed itself, people trickled down to the designated area, ignoring the 'no trespassing' signs, and a fire was lit on the beach. Not too long after that, in an unfamiliar and unwelcome twist, the police rolled up. As a regular viewer and fan of the reality television show Alaska State Troopers , I was really excited to spot one of Alaska's finest emerging through the clearing. As a citizen who realised she might be in some trouble, I was le...

At the Pit Bar With the speed and reach of an STD in Cancun during Spring break, news of my blog's existence has spread through Seward. Unlike an STD though, this is good as well as bad. The advantage is that my audience has grown. The disadvantage is that I find myself slightly censored by my awareness that whatever I write is being read by people with whom I live and work everyday. However, the truth needs to be told and if you amuse me and/or act like an idiot, I remain dedicated to writing about it as honestly as possible. If you are offended, you should first look inwards. Concerning amusement, it's time I wrote about one of the strangest and most entertaining characters I've met up here. In my very first post from Seward, I mentioned that I'd been dropped at the wrong residence by one of our drivers, Buddy*. As it turns out, that incident was a prophetic indication of the general confusion that embodies this man. Buddy is in his early sixties (my best gue...

Part of my job up here in Seward, Alaska, involves entering the feedback we receive from hundreds of comment cards that are returned to us by passengers after they have taken our boat tours. These are some of their least feasible suggestions.  Comment Card July 1st, 2013 George, Kentucky USA What can we do to improve the tour? More Cowbell Dear George, In the game of life, you are winning. We thank you for your feedback.

If you've never experienced a night out in a small town, I highly recommend that you try it before you die. Profound graffiti in the Yukon bar bathroom Here in Seward, aside from sighting water or a mountain, the least challenging task that you could undertake would be to locate an establishment that serves beer. Following that, the next easiest task would be finding someone willing to consume beer along with you. Due to convenience, drinking often begins at the Small Boat Harbor. The harbor is where most tour boats and fishing charters depart from and return to, thus at knock-off time, employees, captains, deckhands and fishermen need only cross a single street before arriving at alcohol. At ambience-free locations such as The Breeze, patrons enjoy a drink or two, maybe a bite to eat, and then, pending their willingness to continue spending their minimum wage on beer, they begin to trickle downtown, about a mile away. Means of transportation include walking, bicycling, ...

Part of my job up here in Seward, Alaska, involves entering the feedback we receive from hundreds of comment cards that are returned to us by passengers after they have taken our boat tours. These are some of their least feasible suggestions.  Comment Card June 21st, 2013 Anonymous, Florida USA What can we do to improve the tour? Let otters run around on the boat Dear Anonymous of Florida, WTF are you talking about? If we put a few wild otters inside the boat they would likely gnaw you to death in a panicked rage before you could locate the exit. No. We thank you for your feedback.

Part of my job up here in Seward, Alaska, involves entering the feedback we receive from hundreds of comment cards that are returned to us by passengers after they have taken our boat tours. These are some of their least feasible suggestions.  Comment Card June 17th, 2013 Anonymous, Australia What can we do to improve the tour? Get the whales to jump higher and stay out of the water longer for better photos Dear Anonymous, You seem to be under the impression that we control the whales and other wildlife. This is not the case - hence the prefix 'wild'. The whales are also contending with gravity, thus in order to satisfy this request we would need to change the physical laws of the universe. We are currently unable to do so. We thank you for your feedback.

Seward small boat harbour I've been in Alaska for just over a week and the weather continues to be unusually warm. In fact, yesterday Seward experienced it's  hottest day  since July 1999, with a temperature of 88°F. This is great except for one minor issue: there is no air conditioning anywhere in Alaska. None. Amidst the heat wave, I've begun work at the front desk of the Glacier Tours* company. Our tours go out into the  Kenai Fjords National Park  (pronounced 'keen-eye fyords '), which is accessible only by water (with the exception of Exit Glacier, which is accessible by road). My job involves checking-in passengers and directing them to their boats and assisting people who wander into the office. As part of my training, I was sent out on an 8 hour boat tour and got to see Aialik Glacier (pronounced 'eye-alik' glacier ), one of the largest tidewater glaciers in the park. It was the best paid work day I've had since that time I was pa...

As with any journey worth talking about, this one began with kneeling on the airport floor at the airline check-in counter, trying desperately to make three pounds of luggage disappear via redistribution. I thought I had packed with restraint. Not even close. I flew into Anchorage and thanks to the clear weather and low tide, I was able to enjoy a view of the exposed mudflats along the coastline. I'm fascinated by this quicksand-like area, because on my previous visit to Alaska I learned from the locals that it is an ideal place to get rid of a dead body. From the Ted Stevens airport, I caught the People Mover bus (real name) to the transit center in downtown Anchorage, where I boarded another bus to take me to Denali. This would have been great had I been trying to get to Denali. Unfortunately, I was trying to get to Seward, which is in the exact opposite direction. Adding to the embarrassment, I was wearing my comfortable travel clothes, including a sweater from the Aussie...

Seward, Alaska Of all the things I will be accused over my lifetime, failing to provide great stories for my friends to laugh at will not be one of them. This year, I believe I'm taking things to a whole new level with my bold and hasty decision to abandon all adult responsibility and instead spend the summer living and working in Alaska. I will be based in the picturesque, seaside town of Seward , a place I visited for around 2 hours on my first and only trip to Alaska (a trip that also spawned the worst photo ever taken of the Northern Lights). Ultimately a fishing town - some have made the daring claim that it offers the best salmon fishing in the world - Seward has a population of 3000, an average summer temperature of 55°F (13°C) and sits at the entrance to the Kenai Fjords National Park . The town is the prime jump-off point for the boat and kayak tours that carry tourists along the waterways for close-up viewing of tidewater glaciers and marine wildlife. It is...